Roger flies the coop

Roger went home today. Actually, Roger and Sharon brought the boys down to surprise me as it was Gunnar's 12th birthday (that deserves it's own post). Once again, it refueled me to see those two, to hold them in my arms.

Especially because today was a wound vac change day. Roger stuck around to be with me through that. The nurses told him he should be a nurse or surgeon, as he anticipates even the things they need. I was extremely on edge today about the vac change because they had to remove my pic line (the line through which they give me IV meds), as they were trying to prevent any possible source of reinfection, which is good. However, I had to make the decision before the procedure whether I wanted them to dig around trying to install a new IV line just in case I couldn't make it through, or just leave it be and go into it all with only oral meds. I chose not to reinstall the IV and my nurses and Roger are rock stars that got me through it all with only oral meds and minimal pain. This is huge and wonderful for my recovery. Plus, my wound is looking fabulous, lots of granulation, lots of shrinkage. So many reasons to celebrate today.

Except that my honey left. Notice the hour I am writing this and that I cannot sleep.

Don't get me wrong. It actually brings me great comfort to know that he has gathered all our babies up and will be in our Orcas house tomorrow night. Boppa and Grandma Sha took the boys back to Friday Harbor after their visit. Roger waited with me after the wound vac for my Uncle Wolfie and Aunt Luz to bring Ada to us. She finally arrived and my heart was beating so fast when I saw her. I cannot explain the elation that floods through me when I get to hold that little girl. I laughed, too, because Uncle Wolfie likes to spike her little crazy mane of hair so she looks like a rocker. When it came time for Roger to take Ada to Friday Harbor, Wolfie said he held back tears, and Luz said it would be so sad to go back home without Ada there. I am so blessed that she was in their care. I think they will remain uniquely special people in Ada's life for a long time to come.

Back to Roger's departure. I am okay. I have had some time today to reflect on these past three weeks in the hospital with him. This may sound very strange, but I feel so lucky in many ways for this time with Roger, for the ways in which we connected. All the unimportant things in our life just fell away. What was left was his active love. His loyalty. His eyes locked on mine in the middle of what seemed like impending doom and catastrophe. His hands holding mine, keeping me grounded. Keeping me safe. He has seen me at my very worst, in the most undignified of positions, and still he looks at me with love in his eyes. There is no "date night", no carefully planned romantic interlude that can reproduce the intense feelings of love that have bonded us together so closely during these past weeks. To use only a few cliches, Roger is truly my rock, my hero. He will tell you himself he is not an overly patient person, but he mustered all the patience he could find and gave that to me, sat here in this boring hospital, day after day. For nearly a week he had only lineman boots to wear!

And tomorrow, he will take care of our babes in our home. I have loved watching him with them. He is having to take over so much of the care that I normally do for them, especially with Ada, and I believe this is another gift to come of this awfulness. During wound care, I compulsively spat out reminders for being Mr. Mom--"make sure Finn brushes teeth in the morning too" or "make sure you burp Ada in the middle of her feeding". But the truth is, he doesn't need my incessant reminders. He shines in a crisis, and he always has. My children are so lucky to have him as a father, and I am speechless when I think of how lucky they are to see the the way their daddy treats their mommy. I think of the beginning of this mess, when everything was in question, and no one could tell us whether I would even be okay. This was horrific, and though he tried to be strong, I could tell Roger was terrified. There was a time when he couldn't hold it in, and he took one look at me and took hold of me as he burst into huge shudders of tears. This is what it is to be loved. Thank you, God for this most amazing man. I would not be here, on my way to rapid healing, without him.

That said, I miss him. A lot! I keep looking for that curled up ball of a man on the little chair next to my bed. Hopefully he is cuddled up with baby Ada, or Finn. Hopefully rest will come to him. He definitely needs it. So, if you happen to see Mr. Roger A. Sandwith (not Roger B.--the big one) please tell him his wife is in awe of him, and give him a hug. Don't worry, I won't make you give his cute buns a squeeze! Sorry--TMI.

Hope all of you are well, that you have someone you love to snuggle up with on these dark rainy nights. See you soon.

xoxo
Marls